Why is it that I always do this? Am I this scared of losing someone. Im sitting here, feeling I have no control on what is happening in my life, and why? For no good reason at all. Alright. I really like the girl. Going into this I didnt realize exactly how much I would. Shes beautiful, yeah, but thats not just it. She is wild and crazy, something that I never anticipated on thinking was attractive. Me and her have the lamest jokes, ones that make no sense, but some how we always keep laughing. Its like every time I am with her, I have so much fun.She brings out the best in me. Which is such a weird and cliche thing to say, but its the god honest truth. I enjoy her company so much. So why is it that I am kind of freaking out right now? Well I think it is because I do like her. I like her a lot. And I told myself going into this to not get emotionally attached to her, but I have. She leaves in 6 months for college, and it makes me wonder if I should get any more involved then I already am in her.

Life is confusing.

A lot of things have happend since I last posted. I dont care to talk about any of them. I am not that same guy anymore. Im different. I understand how the world really works now. Such as: the wrong guy gets the girl; arguments happen for no reason; a kiss can kill; New Years alone suck; Im a sucky writer; Girls have a side effext of depression; music can save you; Working on my car makes me happy; Sometimes love might not be enough.

I like to think back sometimes. About days of old. Do you want to know what I realize? That I was just young. I mean I always use the same adj. to describe things. But its true, I was only young, and thought that things that were happening never happened before. That what I had was one in a million. I have learned quickly that there is no such thing as that. It doesnt exsist. I tried. I gave it my all. But in the end "my all" wasnt enough.

I keep thinking about all of these philisophical things. And It annoys me, because in the end I realize all of its fake. You cant describe things with words. And once you past that you understand a new meaning of life. That meaning is that life is only life. That you should just live it, an not try to think of how its supposed to turn out, or what is going on with it, or why it happens, or how to succede, or the different meanings of it. Its "just life." I mean does that not make since or what?

I dont know if its this medicine or other things that have been happening in the last months, but I feel so sad all the time. Maybe sad isnt the right word to describe it. Its more or less that I feel miserable. I want more. I deserve more. At least sometimes I think I do. God I hate feeling like this. I hate the feeling of everything being out of my control. I dont trust people to have a proper outcome for myself. I mean why would I? So many people have been such let downs.

And as to her. I love her. ANd I will always love her. Thats just the problem I think. I think about her a lot. I just dont think I am the one anymore. And it makes me sad. She says she is to young to know who "the one" is yet. But if she isnt as sure as I am about her, then how could i be hers. Plus shes with him now, and has been for almost as long as I was. And I guess shes better off and happier. I should probably just leave her alone. Even though giving up is the hardest.

Im ready for college. Like really. I day dream about it constantly. I want out. Im ready to restart my life, in a way i havnt had a chance to before. Jeez I wish I knew what I know now, back when I first statred school.

This is the car that I am getting. It is a 2002 Dodge Stratus ES, with a V6 in it. I am looking forward to getting it. I am planning to start modding it as soon as I get my hands on it :]

Here are some links to the vody mods I will do:

http://www.grounddynamics.com/Templates/frmTemplateP1.asp?CatalogID=9438&Zoom=Yes&SubFolderId=485

http://www.grounddynamics.com/Templates/frmTemplateP1.asp?CatalogID=7906&Zoom=Yes&SubFolderId=1719

http://www.erebunicorp.com/wings/univCFwings.htm (wing number 104)

More Stuff to come soon.